Y’all. I am failing miserably at literally every single one of my goals for 2019. Let me fill ya in.
Goal #1: Do Well In School
Ahhhh. This goal. I wanted this so badly, but my work ethic just absolutely sucks. I get defeated once and then bam I’m just done. Every time my 8am gets cancelled it’s say goodbye to all of my other classes. I love helping other people with school work and helping them accomplish tasks but when it comes to helping myself I just crumble.
Goal #2: All God to Work in my Life
I’ve sure as heck gotten better at this, but I still absolutely suck at it. I want control so badly. I want to rush everything, so badly. I’m indecisive and I get confused. “Is it my will or His?” “Am I making the right decision?”, you know. Also, I like to attach God’s name to everything and assume I understand what he’s doing. “Oh that’s God doing *insert explanation that’s probably super inaccurate because again, I want control and by knowing the intentions I have control*” I’m so bad at laying everything in His hands. I am.
Goal #3: Being Intentional with Friendships
This is probably where I’ve made the most improvement. I have a core group of friends that I’m really good at being open, honest, and consistent with… BUT I’m only all of those things with them. That’s kind of what I wanted to avoid. I want to be a face that anybody can feel welcomed talking to and I want more friends that are just that person and I… not just a friend group. ALTHOUGH I DO LOVE MY GROUP. THEYRE SO EPIC AND WONDERFUL. I just don’t want to close myself off to only them.
Goal #4: Read the Bible Daily
I did really good for like the first week. I need to find a way to stop thinking about the Bible as a book. I really don’t care much for reading… I don’t think I’m any good at it. I can’t visualize what I read or retain information very well so… I don’t know why this goal in particular is so hard for me but it is. I struggle so much with diving into scripture.
Goal #5: Exercise Daily
If walking to class and the caf counts, I am daily in exercise. If not, I don’t know when the last time I exercised was. I wasn’t half bad at all of these goals last semester but now that I have actual goals they all become more difficult. I have no desire for physical activity.
Goal #6: Be Better with Money
I NEED TO STOP SPENDING MONEY ON FOOD AND COFFEE. I don’t buy anything else just food, food, food. Iced caramel macchiatos are my weakness. I am worse with money this semester, no doubt.
Goal #7: Practicing Patience
I have my good days with this and my bad days. I’m either real patient and understanding or I turn into satan and absolute hate waiting for anything. I want to be patient, I really do. This has a lot to do with control though and letting God do his thing. My biggest impatience is trying to find myself a man who loves me and who loves Jesus even more. The Lord will provide that in his own timing, but heck I am so impatient. I just want to fall in love and kickstart my future, ya know?
Goal #8: Focus on the Present, Not The Future
Like I said with goal #2 and goal #7, I want control. It always feels like I have control when I try to plan for the future. If I have a plan I have a way of making sure things go my way, I gotta stop this. I gotta stop planning my children’s names and my wedding and my college grad party and my future career. I just gotta stop.
Goal #9: Express Gratitude Daily
Y’all already know I’m failing at this one. It’s been 16 days since I wrote my last blog and I missed some days before that one too. When I get down I struggle to find something I’m grateful for and then I claim defeat.
All of this to say: I am grateful for allowing myself to be human. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I will make mistakes, I will fail at goals, I will hit the ground face first, but if I don’t accept these truths I’ll never be able to reach the top of the mountain I’m trying to climb. I’m grateful that I’m sucking at all of these goals because now I can assess what’s working and what isn’t.