Hey y’all, I am back and ready to lay everything out there. It’s been more than a month since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write about what I was grateful for. Somehow life consumed me much further than I anticipated it to. I’m not perfect, and I’m not expected to be, but I hate that I failed at this whole gratitude thing. The point was to get in the rhythm of every single day stopping and thanking the Lord for something, and it so easily slips my mind. We aren’t promised the next day, so why is it so hard to thank Jesus for the things in our lives?

I’m grateful for a season of growth and for the time that I had to spend really taking a step back.

Y’all. I am failing miserably at literally every single one of my goals for 2019. Let me fill ya in.

Goal #1: Do Well In School

Ahhhh. This goal. I wanted this so badly, but my work ethic just absolutely sucks. I get defeated once and then bam I’m just done. Every time my 8am gets cancelled it’s say goodbye to all of my other classes. I love helping other people with school work and helping them accomplish tasks but when it comes to helping myself I just crumble.

Goal #2: All God to Work in my Life

I’ve sure as heck gotten better at this, but I still absolutely suck at it. I want control so badly. I want to rush everything, so badly. I’m indecisive and I get confused. “Is it my will or His?” “Am I making the right decision?”, you know. Also, I like to attach God’s name to everything and assume I understand what he’s doing. “Oh that’s God doing *insert explanation that’s probably super inaccurate because again, I want control and by knowing the intentions I have control*” I’m so bad at laying everything in His hands. I am.

Goal #3: Being Intentional with Friendships

This is probably where I’ve made the most improvement. I have a core group of friends that I’m really good at being open, honest, and consistent with… BUT I’m only all of those things with them. That’s kind of what I wanted to avoid. I want to be a face that anybody can feel welcomed talking to and I want more friends that are just that person and I… not just a friend group. ALTHOUGH I DO LOVE MY GROUP. THEYRE SO EPIC AND WONDERFUL. I just don’t want to close myself off to only them.

Goal #4: Read the Bible Daily

I did really good for like the first week. I need to find a way to stop thinking about the Bible as a book. I really don’t care much for reading… I don’t think I’m any good at it. I can’t visualize what I read or retain information very well so… I don’t know why this goal in particular is so hard for me but it is. I struggle so much with diving into scripture.

Goal #5: Exercise Daily

If walking to class and the caf counts, I am daily in exercise. If not, I don’t know when the last time I exercised was. I wasn’t half bad at all of these goals last semester but now that I have actual goals they all become more difficult. I have no desire for physical activity.

Goal #6: Be Better with Money

I NEED TO STOP SPENDING MONEY ON FOOD AND COFFEE. I don’t buy anything else just food, food, food. Iced caramel macchiatos are my weakness. I am worse with money this semester, no doubt.

Goal #7: Practicing Patience

I have my good days with this and my bad days. I’m either real patient and understanding or I turn into satan and absolute hate waiting for anything. I want to be patient, I really do. This has a lot to do with control though and letting God do his thing. My biggest impatience is trying to find myself a man who loves me and who loves Jesus even more. The Lord will provide that in his own timing, but heck I am so impatient. I just want to fall in love and kickstart my future, ya know?

Goal #8: Focus on the Present, Not The Future

Like I said with goal #2 and goal #7, I want control. It always feels like I have control when I try to plan for the future. If I have a plan I have a way of making sure things go my way, I gotta stop this. I gotta stop planning my children’s names and my wedding and my college grad party and my future career. I just gotta stop.

Goal #9: Express Gratitude Daily

Y’all already know I’m failing at this one. It’s been 16 days since I wrote my last blog and I missed some days before that one too. When I get down I struggle to find something I’m grateful for and then I claim defeat.

All of this to say: I am grateful for allowing myself to be human. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I will make mistakes, I will fail at goals, I will hit the ground face first, but if I don’t accept these truths I’ll never be able to reach the top of the mountain I’m trying to climb. I’m grateful that I’m sucking at all of these goals because now I can assess what’s working and what isn’t.

Again, I went a few days without writing. Today I am grateful for that. I’m grateful that I lost focus of goals, I’m grateful that I fell from where my mindset was January 1, 2019. Change is to come, but it took falling to get there. I hurt people, I lost people, I put trust in too many people, and lost trust in even more. I learned to live for me rather than for anybody else and I made changes. I’m grateful that Valentine’s Day is coming and it’s time for just the Lord and I. I’m grateful the doubt I’m in and trying to figure myself out. I’m grateful that the Lord is so strategic in his ways.

Today I am grateful for Rally. I’m grateful that I said yes to something I had denied two or three times before. I’m grateful for Amanda for being the driver for the night, and I’m grateful for the people I spoke to that I hadn’t before. I’m grateful that I was encouraged to tear down a wall that was keeping me from giving my entire heart to the Lord. I’m grateful for the affirmation that I am doing something right if the enemy is working this hard to knock me down. I am grateful that I had the courage and the love and the support to finally be honest. Be open. Be real. I am grateful that I didn’t go to Rally the first few times I was asked. I am grateful that I ignored even the idea of being friends with some of these people previously because them caring and reaching out to me showed me even MORE how good and gracious our Father is. I am grateful that tonight happened because it opened my eyes to several different realizations I would’ve blocked out before. I am grateful that I have friends and a pastor who love me dearly, who pray for me, who care for me. I am grateful for today, Lord. I am grateful.

Today I’m grateful for my inability to keep up with this blog. Now that may seem odd, but let me explain. I want to be genuine with myself and with whoever reads these, if anybody. I want to put my honest self out there, not some fabricated version of me.

It’s not that I haven’t been grateful for things these past few days that I’ve missed, but I wasn’t thinking about it. I put it all behind me and was stuck dwelling in hurt and struggle rather than anything else. I’m grateful for the struggle, and I’m grateful for my self control.

I’m grateful that I didn’t have to lie and say that I’d even thought about what I was grateful for.

Today I am BEYOND grateful for Michael Todd’s #Relationshipgoals series. I’m starting the fourth message in the eight-part series and I am already 11 pages of notes in. These messages are not just for those searching for the perfect relationship or those trying to find a spouse. These messages are for EVERYBODY.

My favorite part of the series so far is Part 2 – Single, Not Alone. It talks entirely about living life in the singleness and taking the time to know yourself and plant your life in Gods word before you can even attempt finding yourself relationally. We are encouraged to MAXIMIZE our singleness.

This series is everything that I need to hear and so many things run parallel to my life. Austin left me a prayer in my prayer box and one of the parts in the series touched on exactly what he had mentioned. Holy heck am I grateful for this series.

Today I am grateful for the song “Living Hope”. The past few days have hit me hard and there is one verse that is a consistent reminder of how gracious and victorious our God is.

“Then came the morning that sealed the promise your buried body began to breathe, and out of the silence the roaring lion declared the grave has no claim on me, Jesus yours is the victory”

these lyrics are so powerful, and are sang twice in a row to emphasis His real power. God is so good and for that I’m grateful.

Today I’m grateful for my friends who love Jesus. A few of us took a spontaneous beach trip and we ended up getting to talk about God’s love for us with a really cool lady. She needed us as much as we needed her. She had so many stories about how trusting God led to great benefit and even greater joy. She talked of trials and tribulations and how important they were to her story. I’m grateful that I had friends who were willing to approach her with me. I’m grateful for the sweet friend that I made while declaring my love for the Lord.

Today I’m grateful for heartbreak. The Lord has plans for each and every one of us and it is so, so apparent. As much as I am in love with Austin, our heart posture and future aspirations did not align. I’m heartbroken that another girl could be the one to spend forever by his side, but as a best friend of his all I can do is be supportive. I’m heartbroken that it took losing a potential future to realize my mistakes and how much I was willing to throw away for the sake of loving him.

I still love him, and I will always be grateful for every moment I spent with him, but I am even more grateful that of all people he was the one that broke my heart. He did it respectfully, and I haven’t lost him completely. I’m grateful for heartbreak and for heartbreakers.

Today I am grateful for the good ol’. CSU has brought me almost all of the things I have written about. Without it I’d have no Austin, no Keara, no Madeline, no Bailey, no Amanda or Reagan, no Elevate, no sense of spontaneity, no drives to be thankful for… none of the above.

I am grateful for every opportunity that has come my way since being here, and I am grateful for every person who has both exited and entered my life since being here. Here’s to you, good ol’ CSU.